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I’m just a ball of anxiety and apathy and fear why don’t people like me why have I never in my whole life had a best friend why do I feel like this why do I make people so mad why does my mom always yell at me please please please I
if you ever call me annoying, even if it’s just jokingly, the chances of me ever speaking to you again are slim to none because I’ll be so afraid that every little word or sound that comes out of my mouth will aggravate you and make you cringe and hate my existence
thefartsinourstars & akanedee)
and im not used to needing to be around people at all! most my life ive been very introverted and been uncomfortable in social situations. i still need a little bit of alone time once in a while, but lately ive really wanted to spend time with people and talk about ideas and what interests them, even if its only letting the other person talk at me. if they dont much care what i have to say. if im just a stand in for someone else. because even being second or third best still means im on the list.
and being sad for me is really fucking hard right now. just coming out of a fairly horrific bout of depression, any bit of sadness terrifies me. what if its coming back? what if its going to be another 4 months before im happy again? some days numbness is easier to deal with. but then im just a boring person to be around, making the loneliness even worse
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